I have been heard to describe myself as part church girl and part cosmic girl. It is how I see myself. And now I see myself in this way, but through a stronger, more powerful lens.
Because sometimes the way we used to see ourselves was through a lens of wound or lack. And after the fire, we can see those same attributes through a lens of becoming.
It is true. I was brought up 4th generation in my little denomination. Church of the Brethren. Look it up. There is some really good stuff there. In my adulthood, (after a lifetime of Sunday School, choir, summer camps, youth conferences, college that is affiliated, seminary) I became an ordained minister in the church. I am part of the institutional organization. I’ve benefited from it. I’ve honed my leadership skills in it. I am grateful.
I am also jaded, cynical, and able to see it differently now.
Add to this, a high dose of cosmic spirituality, where the Sacred is ginormous and love abounds. I breath easy in this space. And, I am jaded and cautious.
Both worlds are ridiculously amazing and ridiculously in need of caution.
I love them both.
My own soul’s journey in this life has been hard. Not brutal, like that of south and central American immigrants, but on a human scale of hurt and the smashing down of one’s identity, smothered by the infantile needs of others. Through this my mantra shifted from “If Amy’s going to be taken care of, Amy has to do it.” to “If Amy’s going to be taken care of, Amy has to do it.” See the difference? I sure can. Just saying it while I write this I can feel the energy shift. The first one is said with petulant disappointment. The second one is stated with strength.
I am now, this day, again an employed pastor in the Church of the Brethren. Both times I’ve said yes to a congregation have been to vital, interesting, justice oriented, love fed groups of people. I am grateful. This time around, I am bringing nearly 30 years of experience in my groovy new leather bag, and plan to plop it right into the center of this church. They get it all. Because I know now that it isn’t finite. The riches of experience are an abundant flow from a deep source well. What great luck and opportunity to let it gush for these fine folk.
And the cosmic girl still gets to explore time, space, and outer/inner landscapes. Mystery is the threshold I walk confidently through.
All of the grit, the fire, the tears, the temper tantrums and meltdowns, the panic attacks, the disbelief, the insecurity, the face-offs are worth it.
Today, I’m claiming that church girl/cosmic girl sphere of reality. It is within and around and beyond and I intend to explore every last bit of it. It is there here and now, the now and not yet. It is indeed “so above so below”….it is the earth and heavenly experience all wrapped up in one.
And I really really really want you to know that this is not just my story. This is the story. It is redemption and salvation. It is the wound and the healing. It is the Sacred that is always present, whatever your current NOW looks like. Let’s get going. You’re ready.